Confessions of a Cola Addict: routine

HOW TO FORM A MORNING ROUTINE?

Especially, when it feels like you are almost biologically programmed against it.

The most pressing issue I have to deal with on a daily basis is the fact that I cannot wake up. I simply cannot make myself get out of bed at the time I need to. Or, about an hour after I had to. When I see these people luxuriate their mornings, I cannot help but flip out that I don't even have a set wake up time! Propelling myself out of the door while zipping my pants up is life that I know right now. Doing a sheet mask while sipping on fancy tea and contemplating my day is so nebulous that it seems entirely unattainable. Need I articulate how ashamed (and frustrated) I am of this situation?

In the last two years, I have gotten exceptionally bad at starting my day properly; partly due to depression that was undiagnosed for a while and partly because I can work from outer space and get my job done, so who cares about a desk! {smug bitch (me)}. On a tangent note, lack of sleep or too much sleep, over a prolonged period is an alarm for mental fatigue and its not to be ignored. I am still battling clinical depression and anxiety (sadly, yes, it takes this long), but I cannot help but beat myself over the fact that I have a 100% late attendance record at work last month. That's just unacceptable and unprofessional and just all round bad. Bad. I do work in an informal industry and my workplace is nothing short of the best place ever, but an honest human being knows when they are pushing it.

Thanks to the v/blogosphere, wisdom on how to become a morning person is in abundance.

But.

If only it was that simple. If only. I tried many a tips that seem to be popular with everyone and to the following effect

TIP #1
Open curtains. and the sunshine flood in. Let the almighty sun let you know that its wake up time!

Me: Put pillow on face/ roll over

TIP #2A
Get a loud/ shocking/ blaring alarm

Me: Best tip to get a blaring migraine that lasts all.bloody. day

TIP #2B
Keep alarm away from your bed

Me: Go back to bed with a freaking vengeance. Like, HOW DARE YOU! YOU...YOU STUPID ALARM-BITCH! You think you got me! I swear with my hand on my heart that's exactly how it went down. EVERY TIME. Btw, did I mention I am 28 years old? For visual reference, enjoy this.

TIP #3
Coffee!!!

Checkout these coffee guys though. Super good!

Me: Buy fancy beans; then remember I am (medically) not allowed to have coffee first thing in the morning.

TIP #4
Eat a good breakfast

Me: Unless said breakfast is making itself and then magically transporting into my mouth while willing my nervous system to signal my brain to start chewing, this ain't gonna fly

Now onto the holy-grail of AM wisdom.

TIP #5
Whatever you do, DO NOT check your phone for emails/ instas/ whatsapps!

Me: Switch off alarm and open Instagram. I don't pay no heed to sage advice, coz I'm daring like that!

PRO: It keeps my eyes open
CON: Keeps me glued to phone and body in bed, thus defying the general purpose of getting up early. Dafuck!

I think the most sure-shot method, thus far, is switching off the fan (done to 6 years old me during summer vacation). Slow clap, dad. Slow clap.

So here I am. In a bid to attract positive energy from the ~~Universe~~ webverse, I am putting this out here: I am going on a serious mission to address this morning issue. And that starts with setting a proper wake up time.

Of the 1000 articles / videos I have seen on this, the one point that stuck with me was to ease the body in to doing something that it clearly doesn't want to do. That I believe. To this, I am adding another wisdom: the body takes 45 days to get used to something. Hmm.
So, what's the plan homey...what's the foolproof plan?

The genius plan, bloglanders, is that I am going to cut back my wake up time by 15 mins starting tomorrow in order to ease my body into a routine. This is a whole new level of taking it slow. If I cut back 15 minutes per week, I am looking at a 8 weeks ease-in program to waking up at my desired time.

WOW! That's either enough time to cajole my body nee brain, or too much time to fall out, rather or fall back. ANYWAY! 8.45...how hard can it really be?

Such are the chronicles of an almost functioning adult. Sigh.

12:20
3 Comments

A NOT-SO MORNING PERSON'S MORNING GUIDE | GETTING OUT OF BED

life

It's time I let out how pathetic I am at being an adult. All my life's accomplishments and glories are marred by my total, utter, absolute failure in accomplishing the longest standing life goal: respond to alarm by waking up!

Every night, for the past, howmanyever years, without fail this is what I tell myself: Suchana, tomorrow you must get out of bed when the alarm rings. Not roll over, not snooze...GET UP!

The scene next morning is pretty exact to this video. Minus the gun.

I don't think I will ever feel like an adult until I nail this herculean task. But I shan't give up. Over the years there are a few, ahem, radical practices I have employed to get out of bed. I won't judge you, if you are judging me.

TV IS THE BEST ALARM
Caution: this might make you hate your TV a lot! But this is the best alarm clock I have ever had. Set the TV on VH1 or CNBC and put it on sleep timer. It's highly impossible to go back to sleep once you wake up to the loud, chaotic world of news or pumping music

HIDE AND SEEK IN THE AM
By far the most theatrical approach...Set alarm on a clock (not phone) and keep it far far away. Make sure its shrill and annoying as f*^#. If you have an attached bath, keep the lovely clock right next to the toothbrush stand. If not, the kitchen is a good place. I have done both and I can attest that it works to piss you off so much that you won't go back for a snooze.

SOCIAL MEDIA TO MY RESCUE
It happened one morning by accident and I got hooked! One morning, after hitting the snooze button, I happened to check the Instagram alerts I had received over night and next thing I knew I was wide awake. So now, when the alarm goes off, instead of snooze, I hit Pinterest or Bloglovin for some inspiration to get the brain humming. Don't Facebook though. It'll put you right back to sleep.

A lot of articles talk about staying away from technology in the AM for a Zen like day.
All I wanna say to is...

No offense, but some people have a problem with mornings, period. And a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do, right? To me, Zen mornings are an urban myth.

GET HELP
You know what's more annoying than blasting TV? A ringing doorbell. OMFG! Over the years I have requested my newspaper man to ring the bell HARD every morning, I have schedule the housekeeper's visit precisely at 7AM, I schedule grocery delivery first thing in the morning, and I once employed a trainer to show up sharp at 6.30...anything that gets me out of bed and keeps me out

DANGLE A CARROT
I vividly remember jumping out of bed one dark rainy morning because I had bought tri-coloured peppers and I wanted to make an omelette for breakfast. I swear! So if there is anything you like almost as much as sleep, it might work to motivate you out of bed.

Now, as it happens, I chose to work from home this Monday AM, sou can guess which of the above methods I adopted.

Happy Monday!