I suppose its odd that as a woman, and a proud one no less, the idea of what beauty stands for me has been un-indulged until very recently. While I am totally enjoying the occassional indulgence of my vanity, I have also been laboring to understand why I feel strangely powerful and strong on days when my hair is pulled back, my face is bare, eyebrows unkempt, faint hint of foliage appearing over my upper lip  and I know I don't feel beautiful. There is a strange sense of comfort in that day.

I don't know why this is. But I wonder if it is because women still have to struggle  to break stereotypes and be taken seriously. Why brighten this sombre struggle with a smidge of lipstick, is it?

These are actual thoughts that circle my brain. These are questions I ask to get a better sense of who I am. My fear is to live my life on auto pilot. So humour me, while I ponder...

I sense my idea of beauty is a reflective my core personality and not a calculated projection. I think feeling beautiful is turning out to be this rather difficult process of being kind and accepting of myself. It sounds fantastically idealist but believe me it is tearfully difficult. 

An honest introspection will reveal that I am fundamentally a lazy girl who appears (and feels) complacent and not threatened by standards. I suppose it is then natural that for me beautiful is clean and effortless. It is extreme confidence bordering on sass. The kind of confidence that comes only when you are 100% comfortable in your own skin. The confidence that allows you to look into someone's eyes and not look away. The comfort that allows you to walk into a room and not think about it. The confidence that doesn't demand attention, but doesn't shirk it either. 

Beauty for me is in the struggle for strength while feeling vulnerable. Beauty is in that feeling of accomplishment. Beauty is in breaking down and rising. Beauty is unapologetic glamour and unabashed minimalism. 

Most importantly, beauty is liberation. 

It cannot be, should not be shame. Or worse, guilt.